Happy holidays

Songs of the moment:

John Legend - Ordinary People/Everybody Knows/Stay With You/She Don't Have to Know
Ruff Endz - Someone To Love You
112 - Cupid
Brian McKnight - Win
112 - Only You ft. Notorious B.I.G., Mase, & P. Diddy
Slum Village - Selfish ft. Kanye West
J. Holiday - Be With Me/Fly/Don't Go/Suffocate
Lyfe Jennings - Must Be Nice/I Can't
Johnta Austin - My Heart

Came back from family resort today. Had fun. Ok not really. It was a very interesting trip for doing absolutely nothing. Lots of unexpected twists. But it was something different nevertheless. What I liked is many of us bonded.

So, it's been a while since I updated ever since my dell failed on me. Finally got my new lenovo laptop today and I have to say that I have no complaints so far. Since all my music are still in my dell, I've been listening to some old school R&B stored in my external hdd. I wanna be an R&B singer...like my brotha John Legend & Bobby V holdin it down. Even Mario Winans...yeah you could stop laughing now...it was just a thought...sheesh...I mean you gotta just love that song from Diddy, I need a girl pt II....If I could express my feelings like that I would have girls asking me to wife them tonight...hahah...hmms...the possibilities....jk... oh phooey...i'm jus a hopeless romantic...jus call me ross...

Christmas came and gone. What I wanted can't be found under a tree, but it can be found deep inside as a part of me... I know who I'm gonna be thinking about during the holidays. Nonetheless, you put a smile on my face when you called me on Christmas day..It's so hard to try and pretend I'm doing fine without you...
I'm a mess...

Empty

My life is filled with surprises...
I can't help but want to be somebody else. As the days go by I just hate the fact to be me.
I turn my head one direction, all I see is a past which I know I mustn't sink back into. A past that isn't mine anymore. A past that is someone elses future now.
I turn my head the other direction, and all I see there is my future. I don't know why but I see my future or at least I want to make it my future. I try so hard to make it my future, but someone else is trying to make it their future. And I always feel like that someone else has succeeded and I have failed. In order to make something your future you must start by having it as your present, and already I feel like I have failed.

As I look around, everyone has their special someone. Either direction I look at I see a pair of people with something, a plan that doesn't include me. One direction I see him and her, the other him and you.

I feel so helpless, lost, lonely, and forgotten. I try so hard to look everything in a positive way, and it has been working for awhile now, but sometimes I just wanna breakdown. It's just too much for me.

The fact is I want to just hold you, hold you and not let go. I don't wanna accept it, but the truth is, it doesn't matter how I feel about anything. It just doesn't matter. I wanna be perfect in anyway I can be for you. But there's nothing I can do.
Where do I lie in the picture? I'm not in the picture. Everyone got their own thing going on now. I'm here, all alone, needing you every moment. Who do I have? sigh...I don't need to have everything. I only want one thing. I don't care about anything else. Everything seriously means nothing If I ain't got you...

It seems once again I feel like I'm in a state of emptiness.

Nothing ever feels right anymore. I don't know what to believe in, I don't want to deal with it. But it endlessly seems to come back to me.

I feel like it's nearly impossible to turn things around. Mold it in a way where I can just stand in a distant place, have an epiphany and say..."Damn, I've never been more satisfied with my life. I went through all that for this. And it's not at the least overrated. But better than what I had dreamed of. I know things never come out as planned or have the best timing... but who would've thought it would turn out like this." Hopefully I'll say that some day. I can't escape my life. I'm going through continuous circles. Either that or I'm just stuck in this one place where no one can find me. It would mean the world for just someone to see how the fuck I'm doing...see what the hell went in my day...wonder what the fuck I'm going through...and let me know that I'm needed. I can't help but be envious for my friends. It seems like they've moved on with their lives. They're actually heading somewhere. I am truly happy for them though. We've went through some tough struggles. And I just want them to know that I was happy to be there for them in their time of struggle, and that it's good to see that they out lived the struggle. Seize your opportunities. Take that chance, cause it won't always be present. And that most people aren't given the opportunity to even change their lives. Why deny yourself the chance of happiness whether its temporary or not? I would kill to be in his shoes right now... After all, why would you want to go back to just feeling like shit everyday anyway? It's what I want for you, and you know you want it for yourself too.

These past few days, I've said it from time and time again. It might seem to have less effect to you the more I say it, but just know each time I do, it never has less meaning when I say that I miss you.
At times where you feel like no one's there, let me be the one...to prove you wrong.

Looking up

What is restricted from you, can only interest the heart more.

Baby girl there's no giving up when it comes to you...Maybe I'm stubborn...
I can't let you be with no one but me...Maybe I'm unreasonable...
I want you to myself, I can't help it...Maybe I'm selfish...
Everytime I'm with you, I never want it to come to an end...Maybe I'm restless...
I wanna be your whole world...Maybe I'm a dreamer...
Thinking of you makes me feel like I'm the only one for you...Maybe I'm just plain dumb...
But one things for sure...Aint nobody makes me feel the way that you do...

There's no looking back,... I better know what I'm doing.

Still waiting...

I swear I have the most weirdest dreams. And I swear it always ends up the same way. But WOW, not even in my dreams...

Who does one need more than the person he always thinks about?
What else is there to do when there is nothing you can do?
When does one know when to quit when he won't ever give up?
Where does one have room to hurt when he has hurt too much?
Why does one want what he can't have?
How does one hope when his prayers haven't been answered?

You know I've tried so hard to make myself not need you, but never have I tried harder for anything else than to be that one person in your life.

If you only gave me five minutes of your time, I would show you why I still spend every five minutes thinking about you...
You don't even need to try and you still have that ability to bring a smile to my face, but the fact that I'm so torn is that you're not even making an effort to reach out to me...

Waking up to reality

Even with all the busy days, stressful nights and rough mornings we mustn't ever forget to breathe. Take a minute or two and just rethink all that has accumulated in our lives. I don't think people were built to take on everything that is instantly thrown at them. We cant just apply "move on" to every single predicament. Especially those which are unique cases. Things take time. I have that to learn...

Today it just hit me that, I shouldn't throw myself out there and put my trust in people so easily, even if they say they would also do the same for me. I have to think before I feel...Unfortunately, it is true. It's hard, but I also have that to learn.

Everything around me has a great influence in the actions I possess and express. My greatest example I must say is music for instance. I live and breathe music. It makes all that is incomplete, complete. It is soup for the soul. I want to be a positive influence on people, especially my friends. They have an effect on me in so many ways.

When I feel weakness, I must find strength. Some things and some people are just amazing I have to say. I have so much respect for those that are not even aware of it. Respect...such a great thing to have, but I would throw it all away in a second, cause some greater things in life involves the sacrifice of respect. Some things are worth it...I'm not talking about losing your dignity but you can't be afraid to look dumb sometimes. You know what I'm talking about...Well wouldn't you?

My mind keeps developing, and my heart is becoming more durable. I should just step back and breathe. Hopefully I will make a recipe for success, but in the mean time I should take everything slower, step by step...and maybe, just maybe things might unfold itself. I like to try and grasp control of where I end up. But maybe for just this once, I'll put my life in fate's hands...I've come too far to just give up now. Trust me great things were meant to happen...I put my life on it.

Looks like I spoke too soon when I thought I won't have to spend Christmas alone this time..When a major source of happiness is taken away from you, there's always room for another source. Right?...of course... But what if I don't want to have another source?...day.. just shutup...at least tell yourself that you idiot. okay then.

Letting Go

People always say, "move on" with life. What a cliche. To all the people who say that, I got something to say to all of you. As humans, we are on a constant pursuit of happiness. Therefore, we are not meant to just "move on" with life every time we fail, but meant to walk down each step of it with pride. Whenever I fall, I'ma get right back up...

You know...whether you know or not, I just hope you know that you were never a waste of my time.

But what I want to know is that..Can you lose something that was never yours?

You're making it so hard for me to care, yet I helplessly still do...

That same image will forever replay in my head...
It was everything I ever dreaded...

Everything in life has to be balanced...
When there is someone happy, there must always be someone that is sad...
I guess the odds are just against me.

[edit]

...so many unanswered questions in my head...
...truthfully I don't even want to know half of them...

-facade

Where do I go from here on...

I'm feeling so empty inside..Why is everything coming back. All this feeling of shitty-ness. I swear I was doing fine.

A girl holding onto things that isn't there anymore just always seems like the case now doesn't it guys? Situations like these make you really question the word "deserve". Deserve? The fuck with that. What's the point in being labeled as a deserving guy, when deserving doesn't get you what you deserve. Yet, you're still blind and numb to the fact that we're not just right in front of you but inside of you too.

How long will it take? Hope is so hard to hold onto for long. Yet, I've done it. It hurts to know that the one you care for still holds onto someone else. I don't know what everyone's reasons are but I have to say that my reason for hurting so much is because I deserve you and I know that you deserve me. I feel like no one can treat you better than I would be able to. That you deserve someone who'll be perfect for you. That no one is meant to be with you besides me. Every time she says that she doesn't deserve you, all it means to me is that she's saying you're not capable of being that person. And that's why I feel the constant need to show you that I am right here waiting for you. To show you that you don't need to look farther or hold onto someone else. All that us guys just need is a chance to show you.

When we want you, we want it all, and when we have it all we want more. Cause when it comes to you there's just no limit to how much I want.When you entered my life, I knew what I wanted to do with my life, and that was to be yours. Because meeting you gave me that indescribable feeling, feeling of happiness.

To anyone who is going through the struggle, if I knew an answer I would tell you trust me. But I can't myself. There's only two things I can think of to do. One, we go fuck those guys up...lol...which is probably not gonna happen...or Two, LETS GO DRINK!!! Anyone down?! Cuz yo yo yo yo tell me if you are!

It's worse than I could have imagined...deepest fear has surfaced...Too far beyond my reach...I'm forced to just learn to let go...even when I say this, there this a part of me that still holds on to that slightest hope...I hope you're doing well, cause I sure do miss you. You think otherwise, but you're not just some other girl to me..

Fill in my empty space.

A once wise friend told me to always follow your heart, and your heart alone. Only your heart knows what you truly want. You must know that you should never fear love, but embrace it...
And always act on your initial feeling, because it's usually the right one.

The past week or so were the happiest I've been in as long as I can remember. You would seriously have to drop a brick on my head to make me stop smiling.

You gave me that indescribable feeling.

when you think of her...
you don't feel quite normal
you feel stronger and yet weaker at the same time
you feel excited but at the same time terrified
the truth is...
you don't know what to feel
except you know what kind of man you want to be.

As I am further and further away from you, I found myself struggling so hard to keep inside what I can't handle by myself...
to hold back on what I really want to say...
and what I am really thinking...
or more importantly, what I am feeling...
but with all that going on in my head, what I realize is that

You have mine.
Just give me your trust, and I'll never let you down...
If you let me catch you, there's no way I'll let you fall...

When we were first together, I just knew I didn't want to be anywhere else.
I can't explain it.
It all just felt so right and almost magical.
Did you see it in my eyes?
Some things are just left unsaid.
These are the moments I cherish.
These are the moments that no one can take from me.
And for now, that's all that I can claim as being mine.
I get this different vibe from you, in a good way.
With all that is going on, somehow I feel like I don't seem to fit in the equation...

But it's okay. I will wait for you, because in the end, I want to be the reason you smile.